I smile when I walk in the door of Wibby Brewery and see my favorite beer already poured with a side shot glass of lemonade. An IPL with a shot of lemonade is on the menu and called a Mike-PL. Aside from being a father, my largest claim to fame will be that I have a beer named after me at my favorite brewery.
When strangers and friends find out there is a beer named after me, they ask why they named a beer after me. The story I tell varies based on my audience and their specific alcohol consumption. My standard response is that I single handedly rescued a busload of elderly nuns that got into a wreck in front of the brewery without spilling a drop of my IPL.
There is a new bartender, who is working with Matt to learn the ropes, Jessica (Jess). Jess smiles at me and she tells me that Matt told her I am a retired firefighter. I told her yes, and asked if he told her about the busload of nuns. She says no and turns around and ask him, and I tell her to wait until I am gone, because it embarrasses me to hear other people speak so highly of me when I am in the room. Matt, laughs and shakes his head and walks outside to pick up empty glasses.
"I bet you have seen a lot" Jess says while she is putting glasses in the dishwasher.
"I got to see a lot of amazing people do great things under really tough circumstances" I said.
Jess seems like a great kid, but the only thing I want to talk about is how problematic the Denver Broncos quarterback and coaching situation is going to be this year. A cold beer on a hot day is a quiet time for me to catch up on failings of the Denver Bronco's organization.
"What is the worst thing you have ever seen?" Jess is putting glasses in the dishwasher and looks up at me.
I randomly get this question from time to time, and it is not a question I will ever be able to answer well. The worst thing I have seen is not what people would expect. When you get asked this question people expect you to tell them about a traumatic accident or injury. It is impossible to describe a graphic injury or accident and give it the appropriate amount of weight. Traumatic injuries assault all of your senses in a way that nothing else can.
I want to have people ask about the amazing things that Firefighters do on a regular basis. I want to tell her about the amount of respect Firefighters have for people they do not know and touch on a regular basis. The people we treat, transport, and recover (when there is a death and firefighters assist the coroner with managing and transporting remains) are our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and our children for the time we are with them. I am never going to tell people a blood and guts story about the physical injuries that I have seen in any particular call. It remains important to me, even now that I am no longer a Firefighter that I respect the people that I have touched in our response area.
The normal sense of what is right and wrong can be tossed out of the window in the blink of an eye on any given shift. We all have ideas on how we would process seeing something very difficult to see. I am like everyone else out there; I have specific notions on how I need or should process difficult information or circumstances that I find myself in.
Here is another important Public Service Announcement. Having a stiff upper lip and attempting to sort out any difficult things like this on your own is always the wrong thing to do. Finding your sense of balance always will involve reaching out to someone and being able to be frank and open about how a particular call impacted you. There is a Yin and Yang aspect to everything in life.
Yin and Yang are the things that appear opposite to each other but are interrelated to each other in a very specific way - a shadow cannot exist without light and for most people, lights and shadows are separate things. A key aspect of Yin and Yang is that opposing things and forces need to be balanced the right way so you can experience harmony. This is so true in life and especially in the Fire Service. I want to be able to balance the amazing rescues with the heartbreaking losses that we see on a regular basis.
I realized it very late and after I left the Fire Service that the mistake I made most often is thinking the very tough things that I saw did not warrant reaching out to someone for help.
Jess smiles and looks at me waiting for an answer.
I am thinking about two calls Engine 3 ran on a warm summer night. The first call was a rollover on Highway 66. The young man in the older 4 door car was ejected from the car and had extensive trauma to his head, neck, and chest. Engine 3 arrived at approximately the same time as Paramedic 4. Paramedic 4 attempted basic lifesaving maneuvers' that were not successful due to the extent of the injuries. Paramedic 4 made a field pronouncement (calling in ER doc to provide information that would let them confirm the death of a patient without them
being transported to the ER).
We picked up the tools and put them back on the Engine. We covered our brother and son and waited for the coroner to arrive so the processing of this patient could begin.
After assisting the coroner, we head back to the station to check tools and replace the equipment that was used for our brief time with this patient. Putting the Engine back together, is quiet, quick work. The loss of life, especially a young life is sobering for the entire crew. Megan, my daughter is just learning how to drive, and this call is a strong reminder of the things I have not discussed with her about being a new driver.
Everyone is cleaned up and in fresh work shirts and I can hear the washing machine in the bay running. I am asking Chris when Dancing with the Stars is coming on tonight and in mid-sentence, he is interrupted by the familiar voice on the plectron.
"Engine 3, Paramedic 4 respond to roll over injury accident on Weld County Road 7 and Road 32. Patient was ejected and is in the yard of the house at the corner of this intersection".
Fuck, there are days when things are back-to-back, and you just do not have time to process the calls you have been on. This shift is one of those days.
I look at the room and everyone is already grabbing pack sets and walking to the Engine parked in the bay. This house is on the same road as our earlier accident.
"Engine 3 in route status 4, please put Air Life on airborne standby and start Engine 2 this way, non-emergent" I am already thinking about the resources I will need to manage this call.
I watch the guys who have just experienced a very tough call and I have a deep appreciation for the firefighters on Engine3. They are ready to go and not a single person has the "Oh Fuck" look on their faces. If you did not know any different, this looks like the first call of the day, everyone is ready to go with that focus that saves lives.
We arrive to find a car on its 4 wheels with heavy damage to the body of the car. There is a group of people standing and kneeling to next to our patient. It's hard to get a feel for his injuries but his legs and arm are bent at very awkward angles.
"Engine 3 arrival, we have one car on its side and patient in the front yard on the corner of WCR 7 and Road 32. We will be investigating; this will be Road 32 command"
I am telling Chris to light up the yard with our overhead lights, telling Tom to grab the medical kit, and telling Jeremy to get the backboard and collars. The patient looks very young, and it is a stark reminder of the call we ran earlier today.
We quickly move everyone away and start to cut his clothes off so we can get a better understanding of the extent of his injuries. The Sheriff Deputies have arrived, and I am asking them to get people cleared out of the area, so our Engine and the Paramedic's will be able to work.
Anyone who has responded to calls like this would tell you that the sounds and smells are stronger triggers than what these scenes look like. Sounds and smells today bring out some of the strongest responses in me.
"Paramedic 4 arrival" I look up and see the ambulance pull up behind the Engine. I start to walk over to give them a handover report, when I hear tires screeching and a late model truck stop beside the ambulance. An older woman jumps out of the truck and walks over towards where we are working on the young man. She screams and falls down on grass.
I touch the Sheriff's Deputy arm and nod towards the woman who is laying on the grass and moaning in a way that sounds surreal. She covers her face with her hands and is breathing heavily, when she removes her hands again, she is letting out a scream that makes everyone not directly working the patient turn towards her. Two of the deputies on hand are walking over to her and the man that is trying to lift her on her feet.
I am concerned about the safety of my crew and want to make sure the Deputies are working to remove her so we can transport this other young man as quick as possible. She is making that ungodly wail, while the man with her and two deputies are leading her away from the scene. I look at her face when she is being moved away and it is contorted in a way that I cannot remember ever seeing. I step back to where the crew is working with the paramedics to stabilize the young man.
The look on her face has stayed with me for all of these years.
The patient is loaded in the ambulance and Paramedic 4 says they are transporting 1 trauma red to Longmont United and is asking for Air Life to move to Longmont United. It appears that they will move this patient down to a level one trauma center to be stabilized. Based on his injuries, they cannot say with any certainty that he will survive.
One of the Deputies walks back towards me and is telling me that the woman and man who pulled up in the late model truck is the mom and dad of the younger patient who was field pronounced on our earlier call. He said they were notified and went to identify their son. The remaining older son (our patient we just worked on) was a home fielding calls from relatives and waiting for his mom and dad to come home. He began drinking and reached a point where he could no longer wait and got in his car to travel to hospital to be with his mom and dad.
My heart sinks when I get this information. I will not forget the sounds the mother made when she was driving home to see her remaining son, only to find him in the care of Paramedic 4 and Engine 3. I remember with a clarity that is frightening what her face looked like that night.
I cannot tell Jess or anyone else but if you asked me what the worst thing I ever seen, it was the face of a mom, who lost one son and watched briefly while we tried to stabilize her second son that warm summer night.
EPILOG
For my sanity and safety, I never did follow up and find out if the second son lived. Even as I write this, I assume he is a middle-aged man with children who regularly visits his mom. I told Jess that the worst thing I ever saw was a semi accident where a Budweiser truck rolled over and spilled its entire contents on I25 and mile marker 245.
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