The last part of the plank challenge is a straight-armed plank for one minute. My arms were shaking a lot on the last 30 second side plank and I am counting to 60 in my head very methodically. I am up to 24 and my arms are already wobbly. I am flanked by women who are my age, and they look like granite statues.
Damnit.
I am soaked in sweat and the hand towel I am using feels like I just pulled it out of the washing machine. One of my favorite instructors is talking the group through stretches and except for some color in her cheeks, she looks like she walked into the room. Maryam (who will always be the ageless fitness instructor), smiles that great smile and walks over to the puddle that is me laying on my floor mat.
"I have something for you" she says and hands me a folded note.
"What do you have?" I said and smiling as she hands me a note.
"I have a thank you note for you. Khris gave me an inspirational calendar and when
someone says something nice I want to thank them” she said smiling at me.
I take the note and let her get back to people already lined up to tell her thank you and get
a minute of her time before their day starts. I refill my coffee cup in the lobby and sit down to read her note. It is a beautifully written note,
thanking me for reminding her that the good guys always win.
When Maryam and Kat refilled their coffee, they sat down at a table with me. Maryam
says she is getting a divorce. She is frank about the challenges of getting this done and
making it as seamless as she can for her beautiful children.
I am struck by this; her demeanor has not changed a bit in any of her classes. She is
engaging and is always looking to take care of her charges in her classes. I offer to help
her with anything that is needed. Maryam is genuinely struck by at the offer of help and
says she is trying to take this on and not have it consumer her, her family, or friends. Her
quiet courage is inspiring to me.
I need to remind myself to tell Maryam about Chris and what a Glass Baby is. I want to
tell you now that you could never be a Glass Baby Maryam, you are surrounded by too
many people who genuinely love and care for you. They would never allow you to
become a Glass Baby.
I have extensive Glass Baby training. You are in better hands than you can ever know.
Here is a Public Service Announcement for everyone standing on tough thresholds. Most
of the toughest most worthwhile things that shape your life and the lives of the ones you
love are solitary pursuits. Your friends, family, and loved ones can walk right up to the
threshold of a difficult passage but are relegated to watching you do the hard work that is
needed to survive the toughest things that life throws at you. There are very brief moments
when all of these amazing people can extend you a simple courtesy that will make the
tough work easier. Always, always let friends, family, and loved ones do this, it gives them the illusion that they have helped you during your toughest times. These small graces are the most
meaningful gifts you can give them. The hardest work in front of you will always be
solitary and tempered slightly by all of the people around you.
The following week, Maryam's friend Kat walks up to her and gives her a giant hug.
"Today?" she asks
"Finalized today" Maryam says, and I understand her divorce paperwork has been
finalized
I am taken back - Maryam when you were telling me how was killing my ab work (and
clearly, I was not) I was inspired to do more. I had no idea of the weight that you carried
today. You did not give anyone any indication.
Here is the second brief Public Service Announcement - The good guys always win. See
first Public Service Announcement above. Being a good guy and doing the hard-solitary
work to win is on tough days - exhausting.
A life well lived is work and has long periods of time that are tough and uncomfortable
July 27, 2012
"I don't want people to tiptoe around me" Chris has not touched his beer said looking
at me in a very direct way.
He called me after his doctor visit on Thursday. When his open-heart surgery was done,
a growth was found directly in front of his heart. A biopsy that was done was inconclusive
and the growth was sent to the Mayo Clinic for more analysis.
The oncologist he was seeing decided to do an entire body scan. The scan was done 3
days ago, and I assumed no news was good news. He called late Thursday night to tell
me he has been diagnosed with stage 4 bone cancer. I listened in stunned silence,
completely unprepared for him to tell me that. For the first time in our long friendship,
I did not have a word to say. I didn't say sorry, I did not say "oh fuck", I did not ask
what is next, I just listened to the sound of his voice.
He just sounded incredibly tired. I told him we should grab a beer tomorrow in Denver,
so he could fill me in completely, he agreed and hung up.
Here is another public service announcement for anyone who gets this kind of news from
a loved one. Stay off the Internet when you are trying to research any medical condition.
Talk to the medical provider who is directly taking care of your loved one. I found what
I know now a staggering range of bad information. Life expectancy, rates of cure,
treatments, and stages of bone cancer are so wide and varied that none of what I found
online made any sense.
" I am still going to Sturgis next week" Chris said. I had not even considered that our
yearly trip to Sturgis, South Dakota for the annual motorcycle rally was not going to
happen.
"Who knows?" I ask him
"I am going to be calling people this week" he said taking a sip of his beer.
When he talked to his oncologist about the annual trip to Sturgis, the doctor told him to
definitely to go and to have the time of his life. Aggressive chemo and radiation will start
the 2nd week in August, and the doctor is clear that this will take a toll on his health.
I did not ask him about time left or survivability. We were immortal our entire Fire Service careers. Lieutenant Chris "Pinche" Lawler is one of the immortals on Engine 2203. There is work
ahead of all of us now.
"I am not going to be the Glass Baby" Chris said, looking at me more directly than I can
recall him doing in a very long time. He is worried people will tiptoe around him, exclude
him from things so he does not get hurt or injured. Chris is worried that people will defer
to him, that he will become a patient and not retain his title of Lieutenant.
Chris does not want to be treated like a man fighting for his life, he wants to be treated
like a man living life as fully as he can. There is a new urgency to this now.
"After your phone call yesterday, my very first thought was when we rolled up to
a working fire at the chemical plant, Boulder Scientific” I told him. Boulder Scientific
is a chemical plant in our response area.
"We could see a huge black header from the station and as we rolled up to the
entrance, we could see staff evacuating out of the front gate"
"As the Captain, I had to take a really deep breath, push the OH Fuck out of my
head and start thinking about the additional resources I was going to need"
"Life safety not only of my crew but of the people leaving and if anyone is trapped"
Chris is nodding his head, he has been with me on some of the toughest calls we have run
on Engine 3.
"Tough, hard scary work was ahead for all of us" I said, and he nodded.
I reminded him of everything we did that day. We brought additional engines from
Berthoud, Longmont, and Mountain View. We had an ambulance coming up to standby.
We grabbed the Plant foreman and got a quick understanding of what was in the building
with the working fire in it. Got the Battalion Chief on at tactical channel and told him we
need to give Town Hall a heads up. Engine 3 caught a hydrant, and our 4-person crew
was packed up and had a hose line out, we were charged and ready to go.
"So instead of watching a scary ass fire, we started the tough hard work ahead of us.
We started fighting the fire with all of our resources, we stopped watching and
started doing".
"So today, we are going to have to get started on the hard work ahead of you" He
looked at me and did not say a word
"The real fucked up thing in all of this is that you are going to have to be the one who
steps up now. We will treat you like you would treat us given the same circumstance.
So, when you get the best seat, if one of us helps you with yardwork, or you get the
first hot microwave burrito you need to accept ALL of these courtesies with grace
and appreciation"
"When you are getting your ass kicked by chemo, radiation, and the fallout from
all of this, your entire crew is going to relegated to becoming spectators." It really
bothers me to say this out loud. We are a crew in and out of the station. To have to stop
at the most important threshold in his life and watch him cross it without his crew makes
my heart hurt.
"When you are sitting in that room with that poison dripping into your veins, we
cannot help you. The toughest work that is in front of you now and it is work that
is hard solitary work. "
"When you let us help out in these very small ways gives us all the illusion that we are helping you more that we actually can. So, take the extra courtesy with grace and let us all think
we are in this fight with you; it is an important gift to give people. Everyone is
shitting their pants right now" I hate that I have to acknowledge how little we can do.
I hate that at the most dire time in his life that I am asking to take care of all of us.
"Glass Baby? Not a chance, no one (me especially) would fail to call you out if you
were being a pussy, we owe you that and you owe each of us that. And in the most
demanding, tough, circumstances, you will always be expected to pull your weight
with all of us. We will come to you when you are needed, and you will have to step up. The way we dealt with other on Engine 3 really never changes and this will certainly not change
that."
Chris holds my gaze, and it is a sober moment for both of us. I have never been
unencumbered by saying the wrong thing to Chris. He is my brother, friend, and peer
immortal. I have trusted him with my life, and he has trusted me with his. I don't want to
have my eyes water or have my hands shake,
I am taking a deep breath and take a long pull on the beer.
"I don't know whether to thank you or call you a dick" Chris says smiling broadly
"Both lets go to lunch you are buying because you are a lucky bastard to have me in your life" I tell him.
Chris the consummate good guy, accepted every bit of extra things his friends, family, and loved ones did for him with exceptional grace and gratitude. Chris's lasting gift was to let us all think we did more than we actually did. He continued to give this gift until December 1st, 2017, when he proved the good guy always does win.
He was the first one of us to actually become an immortal.
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