July 23, 2020
It is Take Down Tuesday and Maryam (the ageless fitness instructor) at the YMCA, does not look tired at all. We are in round 4 of 4, and the side planks are killing me. My shirt, sweatbands, and hand towel is soaked in my sweat. Except for some color in her cheeks, she looks like she just walked in the door. I am wiping down my weights and mat when she comes over.
"I have something for you" she says
"What do you have?" I said and smiling she hands me a note
"I have a thank you note for you. Khris gave me an inspirational calendar and when someone says something nice I want to thank them” she said
I read the note over coffee and it is a beautifully written note thanking me for reminding her that the good guys always win. In a quiet moment after class when people were packing up, she is talking to Kat. Maryam says she is getting a divorce. She is frank about the challenges of getting this done and making it as seamless as she can for her beautiful children.
I am struck by this, her demeanor has not changed a bit in any of her classes. She is engaging, and is always looking to take care of her charges in her classes. I offer to help her with anything that is needed. Maryam is genuinely struck by the off of help and says she is trying to take this on and not have it consumer her, her family, or friends. Her quiet courage is inspiring to me.
You could never be a Glass Baby Maryam, you are surrounded by too many people that love and care for you. I have extensive Glass Baby training. You are in better hands than you can ever know.
Here is a Public Service Announcement for everyone standing on tough thresholds. Most of the toughest most worthwhile things that shape your life and the lives of the ones you love are solitary pursuits. Your friends, family, and loved ones can walk right up to the threshold of a difficult passage but are relegated to watching you do the hard work that is needed to come out on top. There are very brief moments when all of these people can extend you a simply courtesy that will make the tough work easier. Always, always let friends, family, and loved ones do this, it gives them the illusion that they have helped you during your toughest times. These small graces are the most meaningful gifts you can give them. The hardest work in front of you will always be solitary and tempered slightly by all of the people around you.
Next Take Down Tuesday, I am walking up to tell her thank you for making my chest, legs, and ass sore
Kat, the hard as nails, tender hearted soul walks up to Maryam
"Today?" she asks
"Finalized today" Maryam says, indicating her divorce paperwork has been finalized
I am taken back - Maryam when were telling me how was killing my ab work (and clearly, I was not) I was inspired to do more. I had no idea of the weight that you carried today. You did not give anyone any indication.
Here is the second brief Public Service Announcement - The good guys always win. See first Public Service Announcement above. Being a good guy and doing the hard-solitary work to win is on tough days - exhausting.
A life well lived is work and has periods that are tough and uncomfortable
July 27, 2012
"I don't want people to tiptoe around me" Chris has not touched his beer said looking at me in a very direct way.
He called me after his doctor visit on Thursday. When his open heart surgery was done, a growth was found directly in front of his heart. A biopsy that was done was inconclusive and the growth was sent to the Mayo Clinic for more analysis.
The oncologist he was seeing decided to do an entire body scan. The scan was done 3 days ago and I assumed no news was good news. He called late Thursday night to tell me he has been diagnosed with stage 4 bone cancer. I listened in stunned silence, completely unprepared for him to tell me that. For the first time in our long friendship, I did not have a word to say. I didn't say sorry, I did not say "oh fuck", I did not ask what is next, I just listened to the sound of his voice.
He just sounded incredibly tired. I told him we should grab a beer tomorrow in Denver, so he could fill me in completely, he agreed and hung up.
Here is another public service announcement for anyone who gets this kind of news from a loved one. Stay off the Internet when you are trying to research any medical condition. Talk to the medical provider who is directly taking care of your loved one. I found what I know now a staggering range of bad information. Life expectancy, rates of cure, treatments, and stages of bone cancer are so wide and varied that none of what I found on line made any sense.
" I am still going to Sturgis next week" Chris said. I had not even considered that our yearly trip to Sturgis, South Dakota for the annual motorcycle rally was not going to happen.
"Who knows?" I ask him
"I am going to be calling people this week" he said taking a sip of his beer.
When he talked to his oncologist about the annual trip to Sturgis, the doctor told him to definitely to go and to have the time of his life. Aggressive chemo and radiation will start the 2nd week in August and the doctor is clear that this will take a toll on his health.
I did not ask him about time left or survivability. We were immortal our entire Fire Service careers. Lieutenant Chris "Pinche" Lawler is one of the immortals on Engine 2203. There is work ahead of all of us now.
"I am not going to be the Glass Baby" Chris said, looking at me more directly than I can recall him doing in a very long time. He is worried people will tiptoe around him, exclude him from things so he does not get hurt or injured. Chris is worried that people will defer to him, that he will become a patient and not retain his title of Lieutenant.
Chris does not want to be treated like a man fighting for his life, he wants to be treated like a man living life as fully as he can. There is a new urgency to this now.
"After your phone call yesterday, my very first thought was when we rolled up to a working fire at the chemical plant, Boulder Scientific” I told him. Boulder Scientific is a chemical plant in our response area.
"We could see a huge black header from the station and as we rolled up to the entrance, we could see staff evacuating out of the front gate"
"As the Captain, I had to take a really deep breath, push the OH Fuck out of my head and start thinking about the additional resources I was going to need"
"Life safety not only of my crew but of the people leaving and if anyone is trapped" Chris is nodding his head, he has been with me on some of the toughest calls we have ran here.
"Tough, hard scary work was ahead for all of us" I said, and he nodded.
I reminded him of everything we did that day. We brought additional engines from Berthoud, Longmont, and Mountain View. We had an ambulance coming up to standby. We grabbed the Plant foreman and got a quick understanding of what was in the building with the working fire in it. Got the Battalion Chief on at tactical channel and told him we need to give Town Hall a heads up. Engine 3 caught a hydrant and out 4 person crew was packed up and had a hoseline out and charged.
"So instead of watching a scary ass fire, we started the tough hard work ahead of us. We started fighting the fire with all of our resources, we stopped watching and started doing".
"So today, we are going to have to get started on the hard work ahead of you" He looked at me and did not say a word
"The real fucked up thing in all of this is that you are going to have to be the one who steps up now. We will treat you like you would treat us given the same circumstance. So when you get the best seat, if one of us helps you with yardwork, or you get the first hot microwave burrito you need to accept ALL of these courtesies with grace and appreciation"
"When you are getting your ass kicked by chemo and radiation, we are going to relegated to becoming spectators." It really bothers me to say this out loud. We are a crew in and out of the station. To have to stop at the most important threshold in his life and watch him cross it without his crew makes my heart hurt.
"When you are sitting in that room with that poison dripping into your veins, we cannot help you. The toughest work that is in front of you now and it is work that is hard solitary work. "
"When you let us help out in these very small ways gives us all the illusion that we are helping you more that we actually can. So, take the extra courtesy with grace and let us all think we are in this fight with you, it is an important gift to give people. Everyone is shitting their pants right now" I hate that I have to acknowledge how little we can do. I hate that at the most dire time in his life that I am asking to take care of all of us.
"Glass Baby? Not a chance, no one (me especially) would fail to call you out if you were being a pussy, we owe you that and you owe each of us that. And in the most demanding, tough, circumstances, you will always be expected to pull your weight with all of us. We will come to you when you are needed, and you will have to step up. The way we dealt with other on Engine 3 really never changes much and even now it won't"
Chris holds my gaze and it is a sober moment for both of us. I have never been unencumbered by saying the wrong thing to Chris. He is my brother, friend, and peer immortal. I have trusted him with my life, and he has trusted me with his. I don't want to have my eyes water or have my hand shake, I am taking a deep breath and take a long pull on the beer.
"I don't know whether to thank you or call you a dick" Chris says smiling broadly
"Both lets go to lunch you are buying because you are a lucky bastard to have me in your life" I tell him.
Chris the consummate good guy, accepted every bit of extra things his friends, family, and loved ones did for him with exceptional grace and gratitude. Chris's lasting gift was to let us all think we did more than we actually did. He continued to give this gift until December 1st, 2017, when he proved the good guy always does win.
He was the first one of us to actually become an immortal.
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